I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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