I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
