he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
