"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
