So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
