your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
