I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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