I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I yelled at your uterus for you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize