Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
