I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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