Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
