It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
