I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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