My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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