Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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