i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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