I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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