Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
