wanna go halves on a baby?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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