I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
