Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize