i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
