It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Randomize
