The maid of honor just puked.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
