i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
