The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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