is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
