Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
