i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
