I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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