my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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