I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
