also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
