Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
