College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
