I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
