I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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