Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
