my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
