I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
