i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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