i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
