So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
