You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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