I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
