Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
