the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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