I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
