Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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