It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
