Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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