DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
