I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
