I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
