So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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