I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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