Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
