You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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