my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
