Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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