My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
