dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
